You Tell Em' John Lennon

AS JOHN LENNON SAID I AM WHO I AM

AND FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON IM A GIRL WHO LOVES GNOMES!

"You don't need anybody to tell you who you are or what you are. You are what you are!" Immortal words spoken out of all genuine honesty from perhaps one of the most infamous of all famous men: John Lennon. A blatant advocate for self love and inner truth, John wasn't afraid to stand up and say without hesitation "I AM ME!" and god bless him for that. It seems to me we could use a little infusion of John Lennon's self love in our viciously fickle world of today, where everyone is so eager to please that some women are willing to change their entire personalities according to the latest issues of Cosmo and some men are so consumed by the concept of looking cool and so paralyzed by the fear of looking, if for just a moment, like they actually care about something (because lets face it, ask any hipster and you'll soon find out participating jus't isn't cool). Now I'm not saying that men shouldn't be concerned about their image, its simply human nature. And I'm DEFINITELY not condemning women for reading girly magazines, I myself have a closet full! All I'm attempting to convey is that at the end of the day when we look at who we are with ourselves and who act like we are around others, shouldn't those two personas at least correlate if not mirror each other exactly?

A few nights ago I had a magnificent evening of artistic and musical indulgence framed with a constant flow of never ending conversation with a good friend of mine and her new boyfriend and this very topic was put on the stand. As we sat in my hot tub, cocktails in hand, I began to rant about how I thought it was such a shame that passion and zealous enthusiasm is so undervalued and sometimes even frowned upon in our modern society. Ironically, I was taken aback with how very stirringly fervent I was about... Well, being fervent. Why did this upset me so much? I couldn't quite put my finger on what had me so bothered and then all of a sudden, it made sense. As I'm sure you can tell by my last two paragraphs, Im a very passionate person and I put my all into everything I do and say. I'm not the type to walk, I skip. Instead of humming, I belt. When everyone else is giggling, I'm bursting a lung with laughter. And thats always been the way I've liked to live my life, my unfeigned spirit being something I've admired in myself for as long as I can remember. But recently its been called into question and by my harshest critic at that: Myself. Lets just say that the bitterly abrading realization that the idea of toning down my "zest" to appear less intense was beginning to cross my mind was more that a little dismaying. Now you may be asking yourself, what could have possibly drove me so far as to contemplate white washing my vivacity? Well, the spark that lit my momentary fire of uncertainty was none other than a boy. Now I know, I know, its terribly cliche and teenaged but I mean hell, I'm a girl who I loves John Cusack films and Twilight novels.. Cliches kind of my thing ;)


As I sit here now, typing away, a steamingly rich americano in hand in a Starbucks close to my work, recalling the events that led to my momentary laps in John Lennon-esk judgement (events I wont go into detail about but lets just say it revolves around a member of the opposite sex and could be easily summed up by any after school special) I can only laugh at how ridiculous I've been. Although my self doubt didn't last long, the fact remains that it was completely unfounded therefore one hundred percent unnecessary. But you know, at the same time it was so quintessentially Nicole of me to get so enveloped in my own thoughts. I'm irrational, I'm dramatic, I feel things at an intensified level and I think thats what makes me such a passionately dedicated artist and musician. Perhaps if I didn't allow myself to live so freely I wouldn't have an ever present inner monologue challenging all my concrete notions and forcing me to constantly evolve but I mean common, who would want a life void of change and development?


But I digress.. My soothing playlist of Bob Dylan, Fleetwood Mac, Joni Mitchell and Chris Isaak cooing oh so melodically in the background has mellowed this little lady right out and I feel I can no longer rant on the subject of John Lennon, undervalued gusto, overanalyzed enthusiasm or questioning ones self because of ugh, MEN. So I'll leave you with one last quote from Mr. Lennon himself. "I'm not going to change the way I look or the way I feel to conform to anything. I've always been a freak. So I've been a freak all my life and I have to live with that, you know. I'm one of those people."

The Thelma To Her Louise

ME AND MY LOVELY HALEY

"GIDDY UP HORSIE, NO NEED TO SEE WHERE YOUR GOING!"

Helloooo again cyber world, it sure has been awhile since I've gotten around to talking to you, hasn't it? Well since it's been so long since I've subjected you to my minds constant monologue, I'll start things off slow. I have but one question for you tonight: Have you ever had the great joy of listened to the insatiably light hearted yet deeply soulful song "Send Me On My Way" By Rusted Root? If you answered no than you simple must stop what your doing RIGHT NOW and hype machine it! I'll even provide you with a lovely, click able link so not to put you out: SEND ME ON MY WAY! Seriously, stop reading this blog.. Are you still reading? Not even joking, you need to hear this musical masterpiece! Have you given it a listen yet? 

I'll assume for the purposes of continuing on with this post that you have indeed take the time give it a listen. It's good, right? Every time I hear that song (whether it find its way into my car stereo by means of some old nameless mixed CD I've made at some point through out time or it just happens to be playing on the radio, cooing soothingly in the background as I whip up a batch of raspberry-vanilla soy-oatmeal muffins) I cant help but find myself completely taken by a genuine, pure, full of elation, ear to ear smile. You see, my closest friend Haley and I would listen to that very song turned up to 11 (5 points for a nonchalant spinal tap reference) cruising around our small but picturesque ocean side town, belting it out like it was the last song we'd ever hear. I remember turning to her, both our eyes shrouded by the dark lenses of our sunglasses that were glimmering in the bright July sun and thinking to myself "Wow. Honestly, life can't get any better than this!" The warm summer breeze burst through our open windows, blowing our long hair from our faces as we laughed and talked and sang. For those few hours that we drove, no destination just a journey, all was at peace in the world. There were no dating troubles or worries about the future in that car, just two best friends a couple of coffees and an endless supply of music. I was Thelma and to my right was Louise and like the rebels we felt like we were, we drove far off into the fiery sunset leaving nothing behind but the dusty air, slowly settling back to the ground. Every time we got in that car and started to drive it felt as if we would never stop, like the road would never cease to stretch on and life was nothing more than endless roadtrip. But unfortunately for us, life is much more complicated than an endless roadtrip and the roads did end, at which point we would have to pull ourselves down from our daydreams and rejoin reality. 


I remember one time in particular, we had just spent the whole of our day at the lake and our entire evening driving around our sleepy little town, breathing in the crisp sea-salt air as the sun slowly crept its way into bed and night began to fall. As I pulled into Haley's parents driveway we both felt a sudden unspoken sadness blanket the car. We didn't want to say goodbye, if even for a few hours. And even more than not wanting, it almost hurt to say goodbye.. Goodbye to the music and the lake, to the summer and the care free feeling it brought along with it, to the laughter.. To each other. We sat in my car for at least another two hours before Haley eventually stepped foot out of the vehical and there wasn't a single moment of silence in between. We talked about how we would move to Victoria immediately after graduation and live together in a cute little cottage type home, spilling with character and clad with bohemian paintings and old hodge podge furniture. We indulged feverishly in our fantasy future, planning to go on brisk runs in the mornings and stay up late, sitting and sipping tea at night, chatting and laughing with all of our new friends we were bound to make in the city. We even went as far as to plan to get a dog that we would affectionately name him Googlefritz. 


A few weeks later we graduated and I being the (sometimes a little too) spontaneous girl I am, I packed up and moved off the island, a full days travel away. Haley stayed behind with her long term high school boyfriend. I think deep down, as we immersed ourselves in our reverie, going into extravagant detail about our soon to be fabulous lives we were bound to lead, not as best friends but as sisters, we both knew that it wasn't going to happen.. At least not right away. And I think that was our way of saying goodbye but only for now. 


Almost two years later, after a few break ups and break downs, lost jobs and new found opportunities, Haley and I are still friends and I love and appreciate her just as much as I ever have. I haven't always been the best friend I should have and I'm sure putting up with my dramatic ways, constant changing and blindly zealous enthusiasm for just about everything hasn't always been easy but for some reason Haley has never given up on me. And if I can promise you anything, it's that no matter what happens, no matter if it be ages or days since we last speak, no matter what mistakes either of us may make or what fights we may have, I will never give up on her.